How Old Am I?

My husband looks at birthdays differently than I. He always moves me forward a year. I completely missed 57 because he told me I was in my 58^th year. When I turned 58 I thought I was 59.

I guess you could say I’m more than prepared to turn fifty-nine on June 22 because according to Todd, I’ve been living it all year. But I can’t help but ask myself if I am prepared to hear, Happy Birthday, you’re in your sixtieth year! He’ll continue, “I married an older woman!”

By nine months!

I don’t feel any differently than I did at thirty except happier…calmer. Like my cat lying in my lap, I know where I feel safe, and the people I feel safe with. That makes it easier to do things a little differently than I did at thirty,  forty and even at fifty. It lets me go out on the limbs more, climb up a little higher and still feel supported.

In years past, I confused safety with success. I worked to prove my worthiness. Relationships were idolized. People were put on pedestals. I was a hero worshiper. My heart was partway shut but I pretended it was wide open.

I lived with the idea or image of what love was and looked for it in places it was not to be found. Finding love finally, was about learning to love another well. I had it all backwards. Thank goodness God has given me enough years to figure that out.

My birthday wish is to love and live well. So light the candles! I want all 59 of them! Get a big cake! I want to share it with the people I love.

Welcome to my new blog space, my reflections on love, life—the two most precious gifts—and other miscellaneous things.

You may have met me in Sundays with Dad, the space I share with my dad. I feel a little like a kid getting her first apartment. Out on my own is a little scary. But at 59, heavens (as my mom would say), I think I’ll do just fine.

I’m sure he’ll come visit me here. We did have more discussion about the title—the little black dresses part. I got him to accept it when I said, “Dad, this is my place. You can’t tell me where to hang the pictures. Little black dresses are practical.”

“And you can wear them with anything,” he said then….repeating the words I had told him earlier.